Isn't it sad to forget something special? Not everything in life means a great deal to us; you would think that any bits of happiness that you can find among all the rest of the blurs of mundane events and hardships would be too precious to let go of.
But you can't live on memories.
The only thing that counts is what you do from wherever you are Right Now.
"It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds,
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all."
- "What Sarah Said" - death cab for cutie
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I'm in a Death Cab for Cutie phase.
I picked up a DCFC's "Something About Airplaines" and "The Moon & Antarctica" by Modest Mouse from Amoeba Music yesterday. It was great wandering all the way down Haight St. It was just great wandering through part of the city after work by myself without a schedule or deadline to meet, no people to see or things to get done, in a very light sprinkle of rain, enjoying all of the different kinds of people I was passing by. Shuffled around the music on my iPod (since it doesn't hold very much). Sometimes I have an urge for a new haircut or hair color or to go clothes shopping at times like these, but this time, I just needed new music. Here's my new song addiction:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybxGMQcsln4&NR=1
It's my anthem for the time being. I'm fascinated by animation right now, too.
On my first Hapkido-school-seeking-adventure (more detail about THAT later), I stopped by a little Cafe on Ocean Ave. Kind of pricey, but I was hungry, so it was delicious and just what I needed. It was such a nice little place. The atmosphere was spacey and pleasant and comfortable, and they had little bird cages with tiny song birds on opposite walls of the room, and the sunlight streamed in through the huge windows all cozy-like. Definitely the kind of place I would like to go to with people who are visiting my neighborhood.
You know what? Someday, I'd like someone to write a song for me. Or a poem. Or anything else along those lines. I used to think it would be cheesy. I mean, what if it sucked? But honestly? I really, really would. If he has it in him, of course.
The absolute best things are smiles, though.
You know, it's weird, but I feel like I'm already starting to forget. How is it this easy? Didn't it mean something to me?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybxGMQcsln4&NR=1
It's my anthem for the time being. I'm fascinated by animation right now, too.
On my first Hapkido-school-seeking-adventure (more detail about THAT later), I stopped by a little Cafe on Ocean Ave. Kind of pricey, but I was hungry, so it was delicious and just what I needed. It was such a nice little place. The atmosphere was spacey and pleasant and comfortable, and they had little bird cages with tiny song birds on opposite walls of the room, and the sunlight streamed in through the huge windows all cozy-like. Definitely the kind of place I would like to go to with people who are visiting my neighborhood.
You know what? Someday, I'd like someone to write a song for me. Or a poem. Or anything else along those lines. I used to think it would be cheesy. I mean, what if it sucked? But honestly? I really, really would. If he has it in him, of course.
The absolute best things are smiles, though.
You know, it's weird, but I feel like I'm already starting to forget. How is it this easy? Didn't it mean something to me?
Friday, March 28, 2008
Lesson 4: There is no happily ever after.
There is no forever. Whatever you expect to happen in 5 years won't. But usually it turns out for the better. Right?
I am grateful for unexpected phone calls from good friends. I am grateful for people with nice smiles who tell me it's really good to see me. I am grateful for big rooms and big tables. I am grateful for sympathetic mirrors. I am grateful to be living in an awesome city.
How is it that I can feel happy and sad about everything concerning everything, all at once? Why is it that every time I seem to forget a little bit about who I am? (Not so much this time, though.) Or is this just an opportunity to rediscover that part of me? How are you supposed to know what is right and what is wrong? What is smart and what is stupid? Listen to your gut instinct, but don't do something drastic without a good reason. Let it out, but control yourself. Know what you want and stand up for yourself, but compromise. This is your life and you need to live it the way you need to live it. It's not all about you. You're learning. You're growing. You're getting stronger. It's out of my hands now, so I can start moving on. I'm cluttering up my own computer screen, and that's my business. Everything will be o.k.
I know it will. And it does, again and again.
Who am I, and in what direction should I be growing? What should I be needing? Maybe I don't care enough. Or do I care too much? What does it mean to be true to myself? Am I crazy? Or is this just normal?
When I grow up, I want to be a tree.
I want to be able to cry like I'm 2 and not have that be a problem.
I want the secret confidence that I had at age 4.
I like being able to make people smile when they see me smiling at them.
I remember when I was able to tell myself, "you can do ___ better than anyone else", and then I would.
I remember when it was okay to not know things.
I am grateful for unexpected phone calls from good friends. I am grateful for people with nice smiles who tell me it's really good to see me. I am grateful for big rooms and big tables. I am grateful for sympathetic mirrors. I am grateful to be living in an awesome city.
How is it that I can feel happy and sad about everything concerning everything, all at once? Why is it that every time I seem to forget a little bit about who I am? (Not so much this time, though.) Or is this just an opportunity to rediscover that part of me? How are you supposed to know what is right and what is wrong? What is smart and what is stupid? Listen to your gut instinct, but don't do something drastic without a good reason. Let it out, but control yourself. Know what you want and stand up for yourself, but compromise. This is your life and you need to live it the way you need to live it. It's not all about you. You're learning. You're growing. You're getting stronger. It's out of my hands now, so I can start moving on. I'm cluttering up my own computer screen, and that's my business. Everything will be o.k.
I know it will. And it does, again and again.
Who am I, and in what direction should I be growing? What should I be needing? Maybe I don't care enough. Or do I care too much? What does it mean to be true to myself? Am I crazy? Or is this just normal?
When I grow up, I want to be a tree.
I want to be able to cry like I'm 2 and not have that be a problem.
I want the secret confidence that I had at age 4.
I like being able to make people smile when they see me smiling at them.
I remember when I was able to tell myself, "you can do ___ better than anyone else", and then I would.
I remember when it was okay to not know things.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Lesson 1: Don't give your mother your blog URL.
Lesson 2: If you are going to take sleeping pills before bed, do not set your glass of water down by your computer, because when you wake up in the morning you will think you're sitting on your chair, but you'll miss it, and knock the glass onto your keyboard, and then have to pay $810 on computer repairs.
Lesson 3: Yes, when I sink, I sink low. But it will always get better again with patience and an open mind, and I have yet to encounter a difficulty that I can't get past. Deep breathing, stretching, sleep, and fresh produce will get me through any period of hurting, and seriously... the older I get, the more I learn about life and myself and how to make the two work together. Because I let myself.
I'm breathing very deeply. And it feels pretty good. The North Mississippi All-Stars are helping, too.
Today on the bus ride home from class, I thought a lot about what my dad said about each person's responsibility to himself, to develop his own talents and goals, in order to contribute meaningfully to society, which is each person's overreaching responsibility. I'm beginning to understand that idea from a slightly different angle. Who has inspired you today, and what will you do in return? Longy's mission statement is something like, "training musicians to make a difference in the world." I really like that idea. I just seriously doubted my capabilities to do that with music. Not that I don't love it. Music inspires me beyond what I could articulate. I want to inspire, too, and do something remarkable and extraordinary--to inspire those close to me, but also lots of people out there somewhere who I would never get a chance to meet, if possible. Personal ambition merging with responsibility to society? Why wouldn't you chase after such a dream? Run after it, and maybe other good things in life will fall into place for you. The question I have to ask myself is, am I doing all of this for me? If other things in life slip away, will I still be happy with these decisions that I make?
I love my job. How awesome is that, to be able to say that? Well, my work shoes make my feet hurt, but it's a small sacrifice. There's good people there, and I always enjoy the opportunity to be around a range of people who I otherwise probably wouldn't. I also love being financially self-sufficient. It's so empowering. One of the waiters who is Greek taught me a few simple Greek phrases last night, and I'm making a mental note to start a book exchange with the valet parking guy. Because hey, I'm not in school full-time, so I have time to read. P.S. The zucchini cakes at Kokkari are delicious.
Lesson 3: Yes, when I sink, I sink low. But it will always get better again with patience and an open mind, and I have yet to encounter a difficulty that I can't get past. Deep breathing, stretching, sleep, and fresh produce will get me through any period of hurting, and seriously... the older I get, the more I learn about life and myself and how to make the two work together. Because I let myself.
I'm breathing very deeply. And it feels pretty good. The North Mississippi All-Stars are helping, too.
Today on the bus ride home from class, I thought a lot about what my dad said about each person's responsibility to himself, to develop his own talents and goals, in order to contribute meaningfully to society, which is each person's overreaching responsibility. I'm beginning to understand that idea from a slightly different angle. Who has inspired you today, and what will you do in return? Longy's mission statement is something like, "training musicians to make a difference in the world." I really like that idea. I just seriously doubted my capabilities to do that with music. Not that I don't love it. Music inspires me beyond what I could articulate. I want to inspire, too, and do something remarkable and extraordinary--to inspire those close to me, but also lots of people out there somewhere who I would never get a chance to meet, if possible. Personal ambition merging with responsibility to society? Why wouldn't you chase after such a dream? Run after it, and maybe other good things in life will fall into place for you. The question I have to ask myself is, am I doing all of this for me? If other things in life slip away, will I still be happy with these decisions that I make?
I love my job. How awesome is that, to be able to say that? Well, my work shoes make my feet hurt, but it's a small sacrifice. There's good people there, and I always enjoy the opportunity to be around a range of people who I otherwise probably wouldn't. I also love being financially self-sufficient. It's so empowering. One of the waiters who is Greek taught me a few simple Greek phrases last night, and I'm making a mental note to start a book exchange with the valet parking guy. Because hey, I'm not in school full-time, so I have time to read. P.S. The zucchini cakes at Kokkari are delicious.
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