3-week summer break number 1!

Has it only been a week? It feels like it's been so long! Well, let me give you an update. This is the end of my last week at Skyline. I've got 3 weeks off before I start Intro to Mac Graphics at CCSF. I'd gotten so used to the quarter system that it's weird that I started classes in January, and now it's almost June. Where did the time go? I definitely feel like quite thirsty for more and more and more classes to come, which I take to be an auspicious sign.

I've started Dickens's David Copperfield again. Can I just reiterate that I love that I can read books for fun, including beasts of books like Dickens? It's so refreshing. And I do like Dickens. I also watched Ratatouille tonight, which I believe is the beginning of yet another great Pixar fixation. At least I know I won't be bored for at least the next week.

I'd also like to be upfront and and blunt and honest and say that I feel the fattest and grossest and sluggishest that I have in a very long time. I attribute this to lack of adequate sleep and motivation a distracted and a confused, worn, and distracted psyche, but instead of sitting on these excuses, I've decided, upon inspiration from a friend, to get a gym membership and a personal trainer. I'd been running pretty consistently for a while, but running the same long stretches by yourself can only hold your interest for so long before you get tired of your iPod and of wondering whether your knees will hurt afterwards this time; I decided against signing up for Hapkido because it costs a lot and has limited scheduling flexibility, and I've been sort of looking into running clubs, but for some reason I think that this here would be a good fit for right now. So there, I said it, and now I won't back down.

Mrrf.

In a perfect world, I would have mimosas every night, go running every morning after 8 hours of sleep, in Oregon, which would be every bit as perfect as I'm daydreaming it out to be. I wouldn't feel repulsed by the sight of cute, happy couples, I would never spend more money than I was willing to admit, my room would always be clean, and I would never cry over someone who didn't matter. In a perfect world, my weight would also be the same as what it says on my driver's license.

It's not a perfect world, but I did register to vote today. And Edwards did endorse Obama. And the CA supreme court did rule that banning gay marriage is unconstitutional. And I'll have two places to visit in Oregon this summer, so I have a reason to go. AND I did discover a very intriguing-looking running club in San Francisco that fits both in my budget and my time restrictions... SO I don't feel very much like complaining. Nope, nope, no-sir-eeee.

Oregon

This morning, a friend of mine started on her way to Pierre, South Dakota with her dog and a car full of her belongings.

I'd like to go to Oregon sometime. I just imagine that it's absolutely beautiful there. I bet it has lots of amazing places for running.

I wonder how much of our motivation is aspiring towards our goals, and how much of it is running from something we don't like or want.

You wouldn't think that Going to Sleep Early would be such a difficult feat to accomplish.

So anyway, there's this thing coming up that I'm looking forward to immensely and dreading quite terribly, simultaneously. There's what I secretly want, what I think I want, what I think I should want, what I wish I wanted, what I think is good for me to want, etc. etc. Regardless of what I want or want to want or whatever, I feel lonely, I feel left behind, and I feel like I'm still not whole. And that's just the truth. There's no back-tracking from this point, though. It's as though the bridge's been burned, but the cliff that held the other end is still very much in view. What's to keep me from diving off the edge and trying to swim back? Fear of drowning. Common sense. Pride and dignity. A sense of hopelessness. So why not just forge ahead? Why hesitate, why look back? Is it regret? Sometimes I think that all I want is for the bridge to be rebuilt, just so I can make it a point to not cross it ever. Could I do that? Would I do that?

Just take me to Oregon already.

Take me to Oregon because it has nothing to do with anything.

Take me to Oregon because I feel lost already, so I might as well feel completely lost in a place I don't know at all.

Resurgence.

It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over.

Move on.




(Blogging just gives me a small amount of comfort. Forgive me this indulgence.)

I want to be like him when I grow up.

Why is it that sometimes when I tell people that I'm reading Obama's Audacity of Hope, I get the following reaction: "Oh..." [brief pause]. "I'm an Obama fan, too."

It's a great book, though. I admire him a lot, especially the approach he takes in thinking about things, both politically and concerning living life in general. Not only that, but he's also a magnificent writer. He makes me want to read up more on U.S. History, take a look at the Constitution for myself to know it and understand it at least a little bit. Not to mention that he makes me laugh out loud on the bus.

Day 40

I feel like a tattered old bean-bag chair.

I need to do something with myself besides warm myself in bed with laptop on lap, listening to repeats of repeats of Jason Mraz. I'm also, of course, waiting for the opportune time to go running. What happened to all that magnificent weather from a couple of weekends ago? Return to me, Sunshine, I miss you! This dull fog is only making me want to crawl into a hole and hibernate... which I guess is, in effect, exactly what I'm doing at the moment.

I wish I could be born anew. But starting from age 22. With the same knowledge that I've gained over the years, but without the bad habits or anxieties caked into place. Is that really too much to ask for?? I need a good soak and scrub, perhaps.

====

No, no, no. Okay, I'm taking action, and I'm posting my intentions up here so you (Loyal Reader) may bear witness.

Running every morning when I get up, plus stretching, pushups, crunches, fresh fruit, etc. etc. etc.
(After a good night's sleep.)
Afternoon Second Run or Stroll... because I will intend to arrive at work half an hour early, in case of stupid Muni delays.
Continuing vegetarianism, cutting down on sugar, more tea, more water, more fresh fruits and vegetables.
Stretching, pushups, and crunches during spare moments.
Less internet, more reading.

Ready Set Go.

Because I need my periodic Blab Sess.

If you're looking for a meaningful post, I'm not in the mood. I'm sleepy. I've been on an eating spree lately--I can't seem to be able to stop. Hostess meeting the other day at work, that went well. I get to work 6 days next week because I'm covering somebody's shift, and I'm super stoked. I know one of the girls is going to go on vacation for a bit during the summer so maybe I could pick up some extra shifts then, too. Trying to work on that skateboard design for the contest that our teacher told us about in class on Thursday. Hopefully can acquire some form of Photoshop on Tuesday. Finished Seymour, An Introduction and am rereading Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters. I need to get back into stretching. My room also needs a serious cleaning. I had Daft Punk stuck in my head during work today--yes, that's right, but don't ask why. Wondering if I need to keep myself busy-busy this summer or only moderately busy. How busy is a person supposed to be in order to not be lazy? Should I apply for the Obama internship, which requires a min. of 30 hours per week, which would probably make me go crazy? Should I find a place to volunteer at? Vegetarianism is going pretty well so far, but I haven't been doing well about cutting back on sugar. Or getting enough regular sleep. I still haven't touched a piano in a couple of months. My poor violin's been neglected since New Year's. My flip book for Design was a lot of fun to make... too bad I can't post a picture of it here. I haven't been cooking as much as normal because I'm still not fully comfortable in our kitchen. I need to give it a good cleaning, too. Oh, and the text portrait I submitted from a couple blog entries back actually got a Second Place ribbon, woooo.

I felt so lonely all day today before work for inexplicable reasons. I wasn't even able to get myself to go out for a run. I continuously delete and re-add a certain person from my AIM buddy list, and at times I feel that it's going to drive me half mad, though not as mad as it would have. I thought going to work in the Dungeon this afternoon would kind of make things worse, but after a whole Muni fiasco that made me 10 minutes late for work, I actually enjoyed my shift: had pasta for dinner, worked on the skateboard project, maintained my cool while giving driving directions to an increasingly irate woman on the phone, read the ol' Salinger, etc. etc. etc. Well, take my word for it--I did enjoy myself. Mother's Day, then Bay to Breakers, then the semester is over. I still worry over whether my life has meaning. I continuously do this, every so often focusing in on a different detail of the conundrum.

Maybe I've been feeling lonely for someone to spill my inconsequential and half-formed thoughts to. Hence... this, I guess. Is that what it means to have people who are close to you? A mutual interchange of minute details about your life that really don't amount to anything terribly important or crucial (comparatively speaking, of course), because somehow they don't bore the other person so much and theirs might actually hold some amount of interest or meaning to you when you care about the other person, as a friend or loved one? I think I've really missed that. Maybe that's what compels me to look so hard in a different direction for such sympathy. It's stirred a need for constant blogging. For sporadic email installments to a carefully-chosen email list. I crave the human interaction and conversation at work. Otherwise, it's kind of a lonely, lonely world sometimes. Because really, then, who cares?

Why am I reluctant to turn out the light and go to sleep? I have no current fear for restless nights. My bed is comfortable and my body and mind definitely crave the rest. Why, why? What am I waiting for? What am I thinking might come?




I've had this wish since I was little to be able to live someone else's life for a day. Following them around in their own body as they make choices and decisions for themselves, acting as they act, witnessing it all first-hand exactly as they see it through their own eyes. Tell me, who are you, really? Who am I, or was I, to you? I want to feel what you feel and know what you know and wonder the same things that you wonder. I want to understand. I want to breathe it.

Languid Pensiveness

Friday night and complete quiet.

Tired, and a new sprinkle of dolefulness is settling in. I guess that's what happens when your diversion turns out to be a fluke and when it didn't even last very long anyway. It's just getting back to that time of year again, and past and present and future are blending together in my tired head so that they seem as stable and well-defined as jell-O. Interestingly enough, though, I haven't had the slightest bit of trouble in falling asleep for all of a month and a half. It's rather counterintuitive.

I'm finding Seymour, An Introduction to be largely pretty dull, except for the excerpts by Seymour himself, which redeem the whole piece entirely and then some. I wish I knew Seymour. I wish I were his brother or sister, I wish I could be close to him so that he could confide in me or spill his thoughts to me on paper. This is silly, I know, because he is a fictional literary character, but how can I help it? He has a beautiful soul, and he breathes poetry without sentiment that is so rich in spirituality. But why take my word for it? I suggest you read it for yourself.

He makes me want to be more alive.