New Blog

Because I like to change blogs like I change my shoes.

http://nov0208.wordpress.com

3-week summer break number 1!

Has it only been a week? It feels like it's been so long! Well, let me give you an update. This is the end of my last week at Skyline. I've got 3 weeks off before I start Intro to Mac Graphics at CCSF. I'd gotten so used to the quarter system that it's weird that I started classes in January, and now it's almost June. Where did the time go? I definitely feel like quite thirsty for more and more and more classes to come, which I take to be an auspicious sign.

I've started Dickens's David Copperfield again. Can I just reiterate that I love that I can read books for fun, including beasts of books like Dickens? It's so refreshing. And I do like Dickens. I also watched Ratatouille tonight, which I believe is the beginning of yet another great Pixar fixation. At least I know I won't be bored for at least the next week.

I'd also like to be upfront and and blunt and honest and say that I feel the fattest and grossest and sluggishest that I have in a very long time. I attribute this to lack of adequate sleep and motivation a distracted and a confused, worn, and distracted psyche, but instead of sitting on these excuses, I've decided, upon inspiration from a friend, to get a gym membership and a personal trainer. I'd been running pretty consistently for a while, but running the same long stretches by yourself can only hold your interest for so long before you get tired of your iPod and of wondering whether your knees will hurt afterwards this time; I decided against signing up for Hapkido because it costs a lot and has limited scheduling flexibility, and I've been sort of looking into running clubs, but for some reason I think that this here would be a good fit for right now. So there, I said it, and now I won't back down.

Mrrf.

In a perfect world, I would have mimosas every night, go running every morning after 8 hours of sleep, in Oregon, which would be every bit as perfect as I'm daydreaming it out to be. I wouldn't feel repulsed by the sight of cute, happy couples, I would never spend more money than I was willing to admit, my room would always be clean, and I would never cry over someone who didn't matter. In a perfect world, my weight would also be the same as what it says on my driver's license.

It's not a perfect world, but I did register to vote today. And Edwards did endorse Obama. And the CA supreme court did rule that banning gay marriage is unconstitutional. And I'll have two places to visit in Oregon this summer, so I have a reason to go. AND I did discover a very intriguing-looking running club in San Francisco that fits both in my budget and my time restrictions... SO I don't feel very much like complaining. Nope, nope, no-sir-eeee.

Oregon

This morning, a friend of mine started on her way to Pierre, South Dakota with her dog and a car full of her belongings.

I'd like to go to Oregon sometime. I just imagine that it's absolutely beautiful there. I bet it has lots of amazing places for running.

I wonder how much of our motivation is aspiring towards our goals, and how much of it is running from something we don't like or want.

You wouldn't think that Going to Sleep Early would be such a difficult feat to accomplish.

So anyway, there's this thing coming up that I'm looking forward to immensely and dreading quite terribly, simultaneously. There's what I secretly want, what I think I want, what I think I should want, what I wish I wanted, what I think is good for me to want, etc. etc. Regardless of what I want or want to want or whatever, I feel lonely, I feel left behind, and I feel like I'm still not whole. And that's just the truth. There's no back-tracking from this point, though. It's as though the bridge's been burned, but the cliff that held the other end is still very much in view. What's to keep me from diving off the edge and trying to swim back? Fear of drowning. Common sense. Pride and dignity. A sense of hopelessness. So why not just forge ahead? Why hesitate, why look back? Is it regret? Sometimes I think that all I want is for the bridge to be rebuilt, just so I can make it a point to not cross it ever. Could I do that? Would I do that?

Just take me to Oregon already.

Take me to Oregon because it has nothing to do with anything.

Take me to Oregon because I feel lost already, so I might as well feel completely lost in a place I don't know at all.

Resurgence.

It's over. It's over. It's over. It's over.

Move on.




(Blogging just gives me a small amount of comfort. Forgive me this indulgence.)

I want to be like him when I grow up.

Why is it that sometimes when I tell people that I'm reading Obama's Audacity of Hope, I get the following reaction: "Oh..." [brief pause]. "I'm an Obama fan, too."

It's a great book, though. I admire him a lot, especially the approach he takes in thinking about things, both politically and concerning living life in general. Not only that, but he's also a magnificent writer. He makes me want to read up more on U.S. History, take a look at the Constitution for myself to know it and understand it at least a little bit. Not to mention that he makes me laugh out loud on the bus.

Day 40

I feel like a tattered old bean-bag chair.

I need to do something with myself besides warm myself in bed with laptop on lap, listening to repeats of repeats of Jason Mraz. I'm also, of course, waiting for the opportune time to go running. What happened to all that magnificent weather from a couple of weekends ago? Return to me, Sunshine, I miss you! This dull fog is only making me want to crawl into a hole and hibernate... which I guess is, in effect, exactly what I'm doing at the moment.

I wish I could be born anew. But starting from age 22. With the same knowledge that I've gained over the years, but without the bad habits or anxieties caked into place. Is that really too much to ask for?? I need a good soak and scrub, perhaps.

====

No, no, no. Okay, I'm taking action, and I'm posting my intentions up here so you (Loyal Reader) may bear witness.

Running every morning when I get up, plus stretching, pushups, crunches, fresh fruit, etc. etc. etc.
(After a good night's sleep.)
Afternoon Second Run or Stroll... because I will intend to arrive at work half an hour early, in case of stupid Muni delays.
Continuing vegetarianism, cutting down on sugar, more tea, more water, more fresh fruits and vegetables.
Stretching, pushups, and crunches during spare moments.
Less internet, more reading.

Ready Set Go.

Because I need my periodic Blab Sess.

If you're looking for a meaningful post, I'm not in the mood. I'm sleepy. I've been on an eating spree lately--I can't seem to be able to stop. Hostess meeting the other day at work, that went well. I get to work 6 days next week because I'm covering somebody's shift, and I'm super stoked. I know one of the girls is going to go on vacation for a bit during the summer so maybe I could pick up some extra shifts then, too. Trying to work on that skateboard design for the contest that our teacher told us about in class on Thursday. Hopefully can acquire some form of Photoshop on Tuesday. Finished Seymour, An Introduction and am rereading Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters. I need to get back into stretching. My room also needs a serious cleaning. I had Daft Punk stuck in my head during work today--yes, that's right, but don't ask why. Wondering if I need to keep myself busy-busy this summer or only moderately busy. How busy is a person supposed to be in order to not be lazy? Should I apply for the Obama internship, which requires a min. of 30 hours per week, which would probably make me go crazy? Should I find a place to volunteer at? Vegetarianism is going pretty well so far, but I haven't been doing well about cutting back on sugar. Or getting enough regular sleep. I still haven't touched a piano in a couple of months. My poor violin's been neglected since New Year's. My flip book for Design was a lot of fun to make... too bad I can't post a picture of it here. I haven't been cooking as much as normal because I'm still not fully comfortable in our kitchen. I need to give it a good cleaning, too. Oh, and the text portrait I submitted from a couple blog entries back actually got a Second Place ribbon, woooo.

I felt so lonely all day today before work for inexplicable reasons. I wasn't even able to get myself to go out for a run. I continuously delete and re-add a certain person from my AIM buddy list, and at times I feel that it's going to drive me half mad, though not as mad as it would have. I thought going to work in the Dungeon this afternoon would kind of make things worse, but after a whole Muni fiasco that made me 10 minutes late for work, I actually enjoyed my shift: had pasta for dinner, worked on the skateboard project, maintained my cool while giving driving directions to an increasingly irate woman on the phone, read the ol' Salinger, etc. etc. etc. Well, take my word for it--I did enjoy myself. Mother's Day, then Bay to Breakers, then the semester is over. I still worry over whether my life has meaning. I continuously do this, every so often focusing in on a different detail of the conundrum.

Maybe I've been feeling lonely for someone to spill my inconsequential and half-formed thoughts to. Hence... this, I guess. Is that what it means to have people who are close to you? A mutual interchange of minute details about your life that really don't amount to anything terribly important or crucial (comparatively speaking, of course), because somehow they don't bore the other person so much and theirs might actually hold some amount of interest or meaning to you when you care about the other person, as a friend or loved one? I think I've really missed that. Maybe that's what compels me to look so hard in a different direction for such sympathy. It's stirred a need for constant blogging. For sporadic email installments to a carefully-chosen email list. I crave the human interaction and conversation at work. Otherwise, it's kind of a lonely, lonely world sometimes. Because really, then, who cares?

Why am I reluctant to turn out the light and go to sleep? I have no current fear for restless nights. My bed is comfortable and my body and mind definitely crave the rest. Why, why? What am I waiting for? What am I thinking might come?




I've had this wish since I was little to be able to live someone else's life for a day. Following them around in their own body as they make choices and decisions for themselves, acting as they act, witnessing it all first-hand exactly as they see it through their own eyes. Tell me, who are you, really? Who am I, or was I, to you? I want to feel what you feel and know what you know and wonder the same things that you wonder. I want to understand. I want to breathe it.

Languid Pensiveness

Friday night and complete quiet.

Tired, and a new sprinkle of dolefulness is settling in. I guess that's what happens when your diversion turns out to be a fluke and when it didn't even last very long anyway. It's just getting back to that time of year again, and past and present and future are blending together in my tired head so that they seem as stable and well-defined as jell-O. Interestingly enough, though, I haven't had the slightest bit of trouble in falling asleep for all of a month and a half. It's rather counterintuitive.

I'm finding Seymour, An Introduction to be largely pretty dull, except for the excerpts by Seymour himself, which redeem the whole piece entirely and then some. I wish I knew Seymour. I wish I were his brother or sister, I wish I could be close to him so that he could confide in me or spill his thoughts to me on paper. This is silly, I know, because he is a fictional literary character, but how can I help it? He has a beautiful soul, and he breathes poetry without sentiment that is so rich in spirituality. But why take my word for it? I suggest you read it for yourself.

He makes me want to be more alive.

Lesson Nine: Don't underestimate the Universe.

Can it really, really be almost May? Oh Time, at what clips you do fly. Four months of 08 come and gone... and what does it mean? Right now you're 8, and before you know it you're 22. Or, right now you're 22, and before you know it you're 36. Hmmmm. Hmmmmm.

I hope you'll pardon me; the universe has just thrown me another interesting curve ball and I'm still coming to terms with it. It sure does have a divine sense of humor, doesn't it? But what would life be if it always went they way I expected it to? Rather dull, I'd like to think, because really, the workings of my own imagination really couldn't even begin to compare with the genius crafting of the sequence of events of the past few months. (This is why I couldn't be a fiction writer.)

So I've been reading a bunch of Salinger lately, and there are a couple of interesting points that come up. In "Teddy", Teddy says that he loves his parents and hopes that they'll enjoy themselves, but that his parents don't love him and his sister in the same way, but rather try to shape them into something else instead of letting them be who they are, sometimes loving the idea of loving them more than they love him and his sister themselves. In "Raise High the Roof Beams, Carpenters", a quote from Seymour's journal is as follows:

" ... my beloved has an undying, basically undeviating love for the institution of marriage itself. She has a primal urge to play house permanently. Her marital goals are so absurd and touching. She wants to get a very dark sun tan and go up to the desk clerk in some very posh hotel and ask if her Husband has picked up the mail yet. She wants to shop for curtains. She wants to shop for maternity clothes. She wants to get out of her mother's house, whether she knows it or not, and despite her attachment to her. She wants children--good-looking children, with her features, not mine. I have a feeling, too, that she wants her own Christmas-tree ornaments to unbox annually, not her mother's.

"... But are [her marriage motives] despicable? In a way, they must be, but yet they seem to me so human-size and beautiful that I can't think of them even now as I write this without feeling deeply, deeply moved."

Don't you find that interesting?

What is the point of this life, anyhow? Oh, the eternal question. Does everything we do always have to be laden with such great importance and consequence? Can't we just enjoy ourselves while we're here, so long as we're not offending anyone else? Or should we concern ourselves with chasing after lofty and highly virtuous, impressive goals lest we be labeled Harmless but Silly Good-for-Nothings? Why should we look down on others who are different and who we don't understand, and why should we idolize those who do what we can't because we lack the specific abilities and qualities that they possess in abundance?

I'm being very general and vague here, though I have certain specific examples in mind... perhaps you might, too?

Maybe truly being alive means having a passion.

Or maybe it means having understanding or insight to the degree of transcendence.

(Don't ask me what exactly I mean by that, because I'm not sure I could explain it to you.)



Moving on to an entirely topic now, however... my design teacher loved my latest assignment, even though I had been stressing over the imperfection of the painted lines and corners I had to make with acrylic. I wasted so much paint, because I haven't gotten used to how much is needed to paint how many square centimeters of area. Next assignment? A CD cover. My pick is Stevie Ray Vaughan. I just picked up a CD over the weekend and I'm loving it. Oh yes, I'm excited.

Don't overanalyze.

He said, "So I guess I'll see you next week?" and I must have been beaming, because the smile he smiled back at me would be enough to last me long past next Monday.

Nutritious and delicious!

One of my new favorite foods is wheat and barley cereal with strawberries and green tea soy milk.

The fact that I'm smiling right now is driving me crazy.

This is getting just a little bit out of hand. But I guess it sure beats the alternative. Maybe it'll take me just a little bit longer to fall asleep, but maybe I'll kind of enjoy that. I'm dying for next week to roll around, but this weekend starting tomorrow morning is exciting enough for me to not mind, really.

Patience, patience, patience, patience, patience.

I love life.

I love love.

I love when the world seems to present so many possibilities.

P.S. I have a slight crush on Seymour Glass from A Perfect Day for Bananafish. He's quite the charmer.

Dedicated to...

I'm submitting that text portrait of xxxxxx to the student art show tomorrow. It's all framed and matted now, it looks all professional... I mean, it's not a perfect piece, I could list all the flaws for you with no hesitation, but it's one of my first--no, actually, it IS my first "real" piece that I'm proud of, and now it's something that I have really mixed feelings to look at. I feel like I want to keep it, because it has sentimental value to me because I do consider it my first "real" artwork, but I also feel weird about keeping a portrait of my xx xxxxxxxxx. I have half a mind to give it to xxx sometime, and just say, "Do what you want with it, but here, you should have this instead of me." After all, who knows, if it weren't for xxx, maybe I wouldn't have had the courage or confidence to drop Longy instead of sticking to it for the sake of sticking to it, and I wouldn't have been able to try design right now in the first place, xxxxxxx and xxxxxxxxxxxx issues aside. It's a little bit conflicting.

Maybe xx would just feel like shit if I gave it to xxx. Maybe I should mail it anonymously to xxx xxxxxxx, because who wouldn't love a piece of artwork of xxxxx xxx? Hmm, that might be a little creepy, though...

When I was at the frame shop, the guy who was helping me thought the piece was really cool. He said to me, "Wow, is this a famous musician?" to which I replied, "No, it's just... a friend of mine." And he said something like "Someday he'll be famous", and I said, "Yeah, someday maybe," and he said, "He will be if he keeps getting art pieces like this done of him!" And later on, the guy said to me, "So you know, if you ever feel like coming back here and doing sketches of frames, or of people who work here or something......." I laughed at the compliments, but inside, I was telepathically screaming, "Hear that, xxxxxx?????? You should have been grateful, damnit!"

The Road.

Bumps and blisters along the way should not keep me from moving forward. Nor should I continue to seek out the paths that provide increasingly more of the same bumps and blisters. Take a side path, Dummy.

Yesterday I lost my phone in the park. I was sitting to rest my legs after a ridiculous 6-or-something-hour walk all over the city--around the Embarcadero, through North Beach and Chinatown, through the Haight and part of the park--and called a couple of people to chat while enjoying the samba drumming, and about an hour later as I sat down in the Church muni station, I realized that my phone was not in my bag. After checking about 8 times, I realized that I must have left it on that grassy hill, and had to trek all the way back. It was getting darker and cooler and I kept thinking, shoot, couldn't I have lost something else? Like the book I borrowed from someone, since it was cheap and I could always buy another one; or this stupid OJ bottle, although, of course that would have meant littering; or my stupid pencils that I didn't even use very much that day anyway; but my phone? The phone I paid $100 after not having one with a working screen for more than a year, that was my best form of communication with work and family and friends who help me keep my sanity every 12 hours or so? I panicked, though only slightly. Luckily, a girl had found it and called a few of the people who I had made phone calls to in the recent hour, and was able to give it to my dad, so in the end, everything was fine.

But seriously? Even if I didn't find my phone and it was gone for good, everything would be fine anyway. That's what I need to get into my head.




And not just with phones.

And the weekend begins.

I am scheming both ways. I don't know my own head. I can't wait to go to work for some very sly reasons, but I'm waiting for something else, too.

By the way, a muni train full of rowdy teenage sports fans kind of makes me feel like I never, ever, ever want to have kids.

I am exercising a bit too much. I really need to cut back on it. Four hours in one day is a bit too much after less than 6 hours of sleep.

I walked from Van Ness and Post along Jackson, then meandered to Fisherman's Wharf and down Stockton between lunch and work this afternoon. I live in an incredible city, and I'm finally doing what I intended to do back in middle school--to explore it on foot until my feet hurt, only it wasn't my feet, it was my muscles. I live in an amazing city, though. It was incredibly warm today, which gave it a guilt-free, summery feeling. Then, during the half hour before work, I lay down on the cool, soft grass beneath a tree abloom with flowers, while I let the breeze and the quiet wash over me gently. It was at that precise moment, as my eyes traced the outlines of the leaves and branches against the deep blue of the sky, that I thought to myself: This is why I am alive.

Such moments are always fleeting. I guess you've got to grab on to what you can.

Worrying makes you fat.

I am exhausted, but happy.

Things aren't going at all how I planned or expected, but I don't mind that at all. Maybe everything that's been happening in the past couple of months have really created a better situation for me right now, or maybe it's all part of learning to see the sunny sides of things in life and doing what you can with them.

I love the sight of dozens of 3-foot-tall kiddies yelping excitedly during Hapkido classes, in gi's and bare feet and swishing black hair. I love how I felt so hilariously dazed confused during an impromptu Safeway trip this evening that I had to debate to myself out loud whether I needed mochi ice cream, or where I would be kept if I were a tub of hummus. I love how strong I feel after running all the energy out of my legs. I love knowing that I'm doing good things for myself.

I am grateful for all the people in my life. Those who have been my shoulder to cry on and an ear for sympathy, those who are just making their appearances in recent weeks, and those from years before now who have helped shape me into who I am. I guess maybe I say this a lot, but I want to make sure that I don't take them for granted.

I feel free in so many ways. I feel more independent. I feel like I'm learning important things about and for myself. I hope this trend continues.

I'm happy, and I have no idea what is going on with most aspects of my life.

My new motto: Worrying makes you fat.

Lesson Six: The Lamb Tongue at Kokkari is Delicious.

Lesson Seven: Peanut butter is a runner's wonderfood.

Lesson Eight: A good run develops a good appetite, leading to the discovery of Lesson Six.

Today I was able to concentrate on reading my book with a clear mind.
Today I made friends with a classmate.
Today I went on a fabulous run and felt stellar afterwards.
Today I accidentally heard an old voicemail that I could not bring myself to delete even though I have absolutely no desire to listen to it again..
Today I enjoyed really good conversation near the end of my work shift.
Today I borrowed a book from a co-worker.

Do you ever feel like red has become orange, and orange has become green, and green has become pink, and pink has become gray? But only slightly so. It's like living one of your dreams, except that instead of people and places getting mixed up, it's feelings and intentions. What is my poor head up to now? I'm too overwhelmed to go to sleep, though I know I need to.

They say that everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes, that's what gets you through it all.

For old times' sake: 2/17/07

"Who do you want to be?

So on the plus side of things, it's a lot like getting to play House in elementary school.  Who do you want to be?  The mom?  The sister?  The baby?  The nanny?  I'm wearing a pretty red dress.  Well, I'm making dinner right now and then I'm going to go get a haircut.  No, I don't feel like watching a movie today... Let's play chess instead.  Now I'm going to take a nap.  Soon maybe I'm moving to Boston.  Now I'm going to be a painter.  I'm going to get up at 5:30am every single morning to run for 5-10 miles, and maybe I'll even become a Hapkido maniac, dye my hair orange, buy some new shoes, work in a restaurant, and be a Broadway star.  Could you go get me some potatoes?  Don't forget, next time I get to be the sister.

Sometimes I also suspect that I secretly enjoy this sort of thing.  It reassures me that I am, in fact, both alive and human.  And then there are also all of the possibilities.  Maybe in five years... you'll see.  Or maybe there'll be a huge fight, and we'll never speak again.  Maybe we'll meet in England.  Maybe we'll just miss each other on the bus.  Either way, it's like being in my own personal TV show, or novel.  It's kind of romantic in that way.  And it makes me feel like kind of a big deal.  Kind of.

Der Kuntsgriff ist, besondere Dinge zu vergessen und sich an besondere Dinge zu erinnern.  Aber wie kann man versuchen etwas schön zu vergessen?  Wie kann man wünschen, das etwas schön nie passiert ist?

I am so alive right now."

Rereading this entry made me stop and think.  It's amazing to realize how much of the same person I am from a year ago in spite of certain technicalities, and how comforting that is.  If there were ever any one thing to show who I am... this is it.  And I really wouldn't wish for anything different.

Good night.  World, I love you.

I'm kind of obsessive.

(That doesn't surprise you, does it?)

I watched The Incredibles four times in four days since Thursday, then today I watched the Special Features disc. I've been talking to certain people about it so exhaustingly over AIM that I had to give them some relief by writing about it here instead. It's making me so excited that, even though I was so tired today, I don't feel very much like sleeping right now.

It feels like a new crush: It makes me smile. I get so into it. It makes me forget completely about doubts or whatever problems that were plaguing the depths of my mind just a couple of hours earlier. I can't believe I wasn't into it like this before... but wasn't there a part of me that always has been...? Isn't it connected to everything else that I've done and have been interested in before? Is this something I want to look into? Do I know what I'm getting into? Could this be something good? What do I need to learn to make this happen? Am I just being impulsive?

I also cleaned my room today (pictures to come!) and am excited about seeing two of my very favorite musician-comedians on-stage at the end of May (hopefully, pictures to come!). I cleared all the dishes from the sink, and my roommate lent me her "OK Computer" Radiohead album, too.

How is it that life feels so beautiful right now? Who would like to go on a run with me right now?

10 hours later, the finished product.

Don't worry, I really wasn't working on this continuously.



I also went out running for about 3 and a half hours. While I was in the park, I stopped to watch these people dancing on roller skates to music from this huge speaker and a man playing the bongos. I like Sundays.

Quiet.

It's Sunday, and it's 11:52am. Normally, I would be upset that "so much" of the day has gone by without me "getting anything done." But it seems my brain is shifting gears. I'm liking this.



I'm sitting at my desk, racking my brains over this design assignment that I'm sure our teacher doesn't expect us to spend more than half an hour on at home. I've come to several arrangements of these 1.5"x1.5" magazine cut-outs, and something in the back of my head tells me that any one of those should be "just fine", but I can't help but feel that there's something I'm not yet seeing. iTunes has gone through a Ravel piano and violin sonata and is now moving through two discs of Nine Inch Nails, and I'm warming up to the idea of a long running break in a bit. How far can I get today? That really is the most important question I have in life at the moment.

I checked out Hapkido USA on Taraval St. yesterday. It seems promising. I'm going in for a little evaluation-type thing on Wednesday afternoon so they can see what level I'm at. It's much pricier than the good ol' EC, of course, but I'll have to find a way. I'm hoping that Hapkido will be good for my sanity and peace of mind. I've had this recent thirst for strengthening, too.

I think I need to learn to be a little more selfish.

Incredible.

Oh my god. Can I say how amazing I think The Incredibles is? It's almost 2am and I just finished watching it for the third time in 48 hours, this time with writer and director commentary.

I love re-watching movies with director commentary. DVDs are awesome.

Getting back to my point. I love how Violet has thick, black eyebrows, and how Helen's hair is asymmetrical. I love how their hair looks when it's wet. I love how their hair has the texture of and seems to jet out of their heads at the roots like Barbie dolls. I love their facial expressions, and I love how their bodies move (Helen strikes a pretty decent fighting stance when surprised by Edna's security gun). I love seeing the clothes that Helen wears. I love the voice acting. I love the character designs. I love how the story flows. I love the timing. Really, what more could you desire?

And yes, Elastigirl is still my new role model.

I am inspired.


Psssst.... Hapkido-place-inspecting tomorrow!

Strength is the key.

All in all, not a bad day.

Skipped class this morning because I was sleepy and figured I could get by without a day of charcoal-drawing. I lounged in bed, listened to music on my computer, browsed through a magazine that I had bought for Design homework. Emailed my manager at work about getting more hours. Was a lot of lazy. Watched The Incredibles while going for a 90-minute run in the middle. Stretched and did push-ups and crunches. Considered mailing out my taxes. Cooked tofu. Went to work, and now my breath smells like garlic-fried fish. Gross.

I probably do my most effective thinking during my long runs. Good weather and my iPod paired with the exercise endorphins always put me in such a positive mindset, which is so relieving. How could I be upset about anything when my heart is pounding so hard in my chest that it has no spare ounce of energy to beat desperately about anything else? The important thing is for you to get stronger. A little pain helps you to grow. Leave the past in the past; deal with the present. Prove to yourself what you're worth. My new role model is Elastigirl. I thought of things like that, and it felt amazing.

The feeling lasted through the end of The Incredibles. Then I plummeted. But that means I'm growing, right?

So thank goodness I have work. It gets me to stop thinking so much about Me, which is kind of what I need right now. I don't even mind getting out late, since I figure I make another dollar for each extra 4 minutes that I stay. I like talking to the hostesses and waiters and bussers and bartenders and the valet when he comes inside to stay warm at the end of the night--discussions about good books, updates about photography gigs or photo journalism internships or new oil paintings, stories about their kids or who they're dating, complaints about customers, hairdresser referrals, casual banter. Shoot, I wish I could be at work all the time. Does this mean I need a life? :P

Hapkido place on Saturdayyyyyyy.

Lesson Five.

I need to stop apologizing to myself for who I am.

I need to learn to love myself.

Sunday Morning Reflections

Isn't it sad to forget something special? Not everything in life means a great deal to us; you would think that any bits of happiness that you can find among all the rest of the blurs of mundane events and hardships would be too precious to let go of.

But you can't live on memories.

The only thing that counts is what you do from wherever you are Right Now.

"It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds,
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all."
- "What Sarah Said" - death cab for cutie

I'm in a Death Cab for Cutie phase.

I picked up a DCFC's "Something About Airplaines" and "The Moon & Antarctica" by Modest Mouse from Amoeba Music yesterday. It was great wandering all the way down Haight St. It was just great wandering through part of the city after work by myself without a schedule or deadline to meet, no people to see or things to get done, in a very light sprinkle of rain, enjoying all of the different kinds of people I was passing by. Shuffled around the music on my iPod (since it doesn't hold very much). Sometimes I have an urge for a new haircut or hair color or to go clothes shopping at times like these, but this time, I just needed new music. Here's my new song addiction:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybxGMQcsln4&NR=1

It's my anthem for the time being. I'm fascinated by animation right now, too.

On my first Hapkido-school-seeking-adventure (more detail about THAT later), I stopped by a little Cafe on Ocean Ave. Kind of pricey, but I was hungry, so it was delicious and just what I needed. It was such a nice little place. The atmosphere was spacey and pleasant and comfortable, and they had little bird cages with tiny song birds on opposite walls of the room, and the sunlight streamed in through the huge windows all cozy-like. Definitely the kind of place I would like to go to with people who are visiting my neighborhood.

You know what? Someday, I'd like someone to write a song for me. Or a poem. Or anything else along those lines. I used to think it would be cheesy. I mean, what if it sucked? But honestly? I really, really would. If he has it in him, of course.

The absolute best things are smiles, though.


You know, it's weird, but I feel like I'm already starting to forget. How is it this easy? Didn't it mean something to me?

Lesson 4: There is no happily ever after.

There is no forever. Whatever you expect to happen in 5 years won't. But usually it turns out for the better. Right?

I am grateful for unexpected phone calls from good friends. I am grateful for people with nice smiles who tell me it's really good to see me. I am grateful for big rooms and big tables. I am grateful for sympathetic mirrors. I am grateful to be living in an awesome city.

How is it that I can feel happy and sad about everything concerning everything, all at once? Why is it that every time I seem to forget a little bit about who I am? (Not so much this time, though.) Or is this just an opportunity to rediscover that part of me? How are you supposed to know what is right and what is wrong? What is smart and what is stupid? Listen to your gut instinct, but don't do something drastic without a good reason. Let it out, but control yourself. Know what you want and stand up for yourself, but compromise. This is your life and you need to live it the way you need to live it. It's not all about you. You're learning. You're growing. You're getting stronger. It's out of my hands now, so I can start moving on. I'm cluttering up my own computer screen, and that's my business. Everything will be o.k.

I know it will. And it does, again and again.

Who am I, and in what direction should I be growing? What should I be needing? Maybe I don't care enough. Or do I care too much? What does it mean to be true to myself? Am I crazy? Or is this just normal?

When I grow up, I want to be a tree.

I want to be able to cry like I'm 2 and not have that be a problem.

I want the secret confidence that I had at age 4.

I like being able to make people smile when they see me smiling at them.

I remember when I was able to tell myself, "you can do ___ better than anyone else", and then I would.

I remember when it was okay to not know things.

Lesson 1: Don't give your mother your blog URL.

Lesson 2: If you are going to take sleeping pills before bed, do not set your glass of water down by your computer, because when you wake up in the morning you will think you're sitting on your chair, but you'll miss it, and knock the glass onto your keyboard, and then have to pay $810 on computer repairs.

Lesson 3: Yes, when I sink, I sink low. But it will always get better again with patience and an open mind, and I have yet to encounter a difficulty that I can't get past. Deep breathing, stretching, sleep, and fresh produce will get me through any period of hurting, and seriously... the older I get, the more I learn about life and myself and how to make the two work together. Because I let myself.

I'm breathing very deeply. And it feels pretty good. The North Mississippi All-Stars are helping, too.

Today on the bus ride home from class, I thought a lot about what my dad said about each person's responsibility to himself, to develop his own talents and goals, in order to contribute meaningfully to society, which is each person's overreaching responsibility. I'm beginning to understand that idea from a slightly different angle. Who has inspired you today, and what will you do in return? Longy's mission statement is something like, "training musicians to make a difference in the world." I really like that idea. I just seriously doubted my capabilities to do that with music. Not that I don't love it. Music inspires me beyond what I could articulate. I want to inspire, too, and do something remarkable and extraordinary--to inspire those close to me, but also lots of people out there somewhere who I would never get a chance to meet, if possible. Personal ambition merging with responsibility to society? Why wouldn't you chase after such a dream? Run after it, and maybe other good things in life will fall into place for you. The question I have to ask myself is, am I doing all of this for me? If other things in life slip away, will I still be happy with these decisions that I make?

I love my job. How awesome is that, to be able to say that? Well, my work shoes make my feet hurt, but it's a small sacrifice. There's good people there, and I always enjoy the opportunity to be around a range of people who I otherwise probably wouldn't. I also love being financially self-sufficient. It's so empowering. One of the waiters who is Greek taught me a few simple Greek phrases last night, and I'm making a mental note to start a book exchange with the valet parking guy. Because hey, I'm not in school full-time, so I have time to read. P.S. The zucchini cakes at Kokkari are delicious.